No Regrets = No Relationships
No Regrets = No Relationships
From: http://www.roverback.jim3.net/ThinkMan/regrets.htm"I used to believe that the best way to live was "to have no regrets.” A seductively attractive sentiment, but it is deeply flawed for being inherently self-serving. I have learned the hard way that having no regrets really means not taking responsibility for my own bad behavior. My pride in my own “goodness” has actually hurt others deeply. Either I believed I hadn’t done anything wrong, or the other person must forgive me! Can there be a more arrogant, conceited philosophy? For the longest time, I did not see how hurtful “No regrets” is in practice. Now, looking back, I see that it has only caused pain for many people I love.I know people who firmly believe in “No regrets”. One person says that all hurts just magically melt away in time, so why apologize? Another believes that your loved ones should love you always, regardless. Shouldn’t they always forgive you, no matter what? Both of these statements confuse love with forgiveness. True love is unconditional; true forgiveness, however, is not. Expecting forgiveness without offering remorse and restitution is, at its core, a belief in a life without personal integrity, fair play, and justice. What's more, to believe that people must forgive you no matter what you do is the height of selfishness and arrogance. It is the narcissistic belief that "I am always right." The only way to combat this tendency toward self-conceit is to admit our mistakes, with humility and remorse, and ask for forgiveness. However, current cultural values actually discourage these practices.I once heard that an unwritten social rule in American society is to “not tell.” That is, to never tell the truth about one’s own problems and failings. In U.S. culture, admitting a mistake is admitting failure, and failure is not an option in our independent, optimistic, go-getter culture. To say “I was wrong” is to somehow say that I am a lazy, insensitive, selfish person. A “good” person is never like this, we think. Yet, we all know that we make mistakes every single day; we want to do the right thing, but we often fail. We just can’t admit it because then we are “bad.” Today, image is everything, and admitting mistakes cracks our self-imposed façade of goodness. To maintain a good public image, a person must deny her true nature and never admit error. In the end, to “not tell” means to deny the truth that we are imperfect, mistake-prone humans. It is to live a lie." Moreover, if we never tell the truth about ourselves, then we will never forgive nor be forgiven. If I am always “good” (in my own eyes), then I don’t have any wrongs to admit. If I am never wrong, then there is nothing to be forgiven. Therefore, I come to believe that “I am never wrong; therefore, I don’t need forgiveness; therefore, I am a good person; therefore, I am never wrong.” This is cyclical thinking at its worst! It also leads, inevitably, to arrogance, denial of reality, broken relationships, and hostility, the very things we say “bad” people engage in. We become the very thing we work so hard to avoid. As well, we deny ourselves the psychic healing and social restoration that forgiveness offers. Is it any wonder that many Americans today report a deep sense of emotional distress and isolation?Therefore, there must be no more denial and image-making. Yes, I do have regrets about my past actions. Yes, I acknowledge the truth about myself to the people I have hurt. Yes, I will make amends. Finally, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. In the end, I can no longer adhere to the false, illogical, self-serving philosophy of “No regrets.” That path leads only to narcissism, failed relationships, and misery."
-------------------------------------------------My Thoughts To Follow....I am a bit to "thinky" at the moment. I am not so sure I was totally right, today, yet I know sowmthing was right - and I know I want healing in my life with several people...I am just not sure abotu a few things...I am blowing off job hunting and driving to the lake shore today to think this through.---
-----------------------------------------------::Later::The truth about myself. Aye! after this will I ever post again. What should I say, in regards to what...the truth in regards to whom.About my mom: Nothing really comes closer to home. We grow closer and closer and then she says the stupidest things that make me wonder if she really understands me at all. She is queen of the cliche and has more power than anyone I know to get me steamed....but the truth is that I want her to be someone else sometimes. someone to make me comfortable with who I am and not want to strive for better. But the truth is that I fight her because she is right. She knows me. She knows I am not meant ot settle for okay when better is just a little bit of effort around the corner. My mom is the one who taught me to get up with a smile on my face and a song in my head. The truth is that I owe her some great apologies...and they are long past due.With my brothers, and my family, the truth is that I create turmoil sometimes because they downplay everything. We never can have a normal family crisis - and sometimes I just want to let the pressure out. Maybe this isn't the best thing - and in my joy of letting out my frusturation I forget that there are other feelings in this house. The truth in regards to Angie, Kate, Erick, and those who knew me at Hillsdale: I have always felt out of place. I would like to say that I am smart, but that has never been proven, and actually the reverse has been proven; I am weak, academically. All I can say is that I love academic learning and I am very guilty of academic conceit. I thought that Hillsdale would get me above all those I looked down upon in highschool, because they did the stupidest things, but got better grades. Me, I never did anything I was not supposed to - and had a B- average. Now they have the jobs and the honor and the regard and I can't even get a minimum wage job. So in regards to the people at Hillsdale, I try to hard to win their approval. Erick: Sticky, but long due. We were talking about how people influence eachother, and Erick said today that I try and influence him into a certian pattern of behavior. I denied like he was about to drown my kitten - the bastard - but ended up crying on the way to apply for a job and while stuck in a traffic jam to boot. Crying because he is right, and I know exactly what I want out of Erick. And apology for hurting me. Plain and simple. After that, if I truly beleived I had done anything to deserve it I would ask for an attempt at a friendship - but I know that the apology is more important to me. Why, I don't know yet. Maybe that is for my next traffic jam. Regardless, much of my internal stress this year generates from trying to get what I had so desperatly wanted since August - vindication for a summer of waiting & pain. Hillsdale: I don't think any endevor in life will render me a more useless person. Don't get me wrong, I learned alot. But I will tell you, none of your classes will mean a thing when it is time to pay loans. None of them. Don't let professors tell you that their class is inherant to your success as a person. It is the peice of paper that you pay for, and if it didn't come at such a high price then it wouldn't be the object at the end of everyone's journy. As I sit and apply for job after job, with 30 grand in loans comming due in september I start to feel the pressure and wish that I could erase the last two years and start over. I hate Hillsdale for the inherant huberis that it oozes. The credits don't transfer pratically anywhere...their core is the most important thing on earth, and many there worship intellectual thought before God - as if God were a product born from their very pens. My problem? ha. My problem is not that I have ever had low self esteem. What is more probably is because it is way to high. I sat in that godforsaken traffic jam pounding the steeringwheel and yelling "I am worth it to be wanted. I am worth the love letter. I am worth the scholarship. I am worth the love of my family. I am worth caring for. I am worth striving after. I am worth the eternal sacrafice."You know why? I have been given the eternal sacrafice. That is what tells me I am worth it. My God - whom I worship - wants me! Of all the silly people to want, he wants me. That message was burned into my mind with water over 21 years ago. I am worth it. When I react to others - at first - I regard them as the same. "you are worth it" - I can not count the number of times I have said it. You are worth it damn it because you have the grades, and the looks, and the appeal, and you arnt a hyperactive-blonde-crazy-tongueinmouth-footupass girl like me. And if I am worth it YOU most definantly are. Other than that - people do stupid things - and I am prone to telling them that they do stupid things. That doesn't make me the easiest person to be around. But damnit - here is the truth of me. I am proud. I am flawed. I am going to screw up again. I am not a sure bargain. But damnit - I am worth the phone call, the letter, the scholarship, the job, the family...and the life. I am not a good person at all! I have cause alot of turmoil. I have been the indegestion in your pea soup! I am the pink apocalypse....but Christ looked past all I have done *and the list is growing, beleive me* and all I will do, and has said I am worth it. And if I am, you are too, and that is why I do it.
From: http://www.roverback.jim3.net/ThinkMan/regrets.htm"I used to believe that the best way to live was "to have no regrets.” A seductively attractive sentiment, but it is deeply flawed for being inherently self-serving. I have learned the hard way that having no regrets really means not taking responsibility for my own bad behavior. My pride in my own “goodness” has actually hurt others deeply. Either I believed I hadn’t done anything wrong, or the other person must forgive me! Can there be a more arrogant, conceited philosophy? For the longest time, I did not see how hurtful “No regrets” is in practice. Now, looking back, I see that it has only caused pain for many people I love.I know people who firmly believe in “No regrets”. One person says that all hurts just magically melt away in time, so why apologize? Another believes that your loved ones should love you always, regardless. Shouldn’t they always forgive you, no matter what? Both of these statements confuse love with forgiveness. True love is unconditional; true forgiveness, however, is not. Expecting forgiveness without offering remorse and restitution is, at its core, a belief in a life without personal integrity, fair play, and justice. What's more, to believe that people must forgive you no matter what you do is the height of selfishness and arrogance. It is the narcissistic belief that "I am always right." The only way to combat this tendency toward self-conceit is to admit our mistakes, with humility and remorse, and ask for forgiveness. However, current cultural values actually discourage these practices.I once heard that an unwritten social rule in American society is to “not tell.” That is, to never tell the truth about one’s own problems and failings. In U.S. culture, admitting a mistake is admitting failure, and failure is not an option in our independent, optimistic, go-getter culture. To say “I was wrong” is to somehow say that I am a lazy, insensitive, selfish person. A “good” person is never like this, we think. Yet, we all know that we make mistakes every single day; we want to do the right thing, but we often fail. We just can’t admit it because then we are “bad.” Today, image is everything, and admitting mistakes cracks our self-imposed façade of goodness. To maintain a good public image, a person must deny her true nature and never admit error. In the end, to “not tell” means to deny the truth that we are imperfect, mistake-prone humans. It is to live a lie." Moreover, if we never tell the truth about ourselves, then we will never forgive nor be forgiven. If I am always “good” (in my own eyes), then I don’t have any wrongs to admit. If I am never wrong, then there is nothing to be forgiven. Therefore, I come to believe that “I am never wrong; therefore, I don’t need forgiveness; therefore, I am a good person; therefore, I am never wrong.” This is cyclical thinking at its worst! It also leads, inevitably, to arrogance, denial of reality, broken relationships, and hostility, the very things we say “bad” people engage in. We become the very thing we work so hard to avoid. As well, we deny ourselves the psychic healing and social restoration that forgiveness offers. Is it any wonder that many Americans today report a deep sense of emotional distress and isolation?Therefore, there must be no more denial and image-making. Yes, I do have regrets about my past actions. Yes, I acknowledge the truth about myself to the people I have hurt. Yes, I will make amends. Finally, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. In the end, I can no longer adhere to the false, illogical, self-serving philosophy of “No regrets.” That path leads only to narcissism, failed relationships, and misery."
-------------------------------------------------My Thoughts To Follow....I am a bit to "thinky" at the moment. I am not so sure I was totally right, today, yet I know sowmthing was right - and I know I want healing in my life with several people...I am just not sure abotu a few things...I am blowing off job hunting and driving to the lake shore today to think this through.---
-----------------------------------------------::Later::The truth about myself. Aye! after this will I ever post again. What should I say, in regards to what...the truth in regards to whom.About my mom: Nothing really comes closer to home. We grow closer and closer and then she says the stupidest things that make me wonder if she really understands me at all. She is queen of the cliche and has more power than anyone I know to get me steamed....but the truth is that I want her to be someone else sometimes. someone to make me comfortable with who I am and not want to strive for better. But the truth is that I fight her because she is right. She knows me. She knows I am not meant ot settle for okay when better is just a little bit of effort around the corner. My mom is the one who taught me to get up with a smile on my face and a song in my head. The truth is that I owe her some great apologies...and they are long past due.With my brothers, and my family, the truth is that I create turmoil sometimes because they downplay everything. We never can have a normal family crisis - and sometimes I just want to let the pressure out. Maybe this isn't the best thing - and in my joy of letting out my frusturation I forget that there are other feelings in this house. The truth in regards to Angie, Kate, Erick, and those who knew me at Hillsdale: I have always felt out of place. I would like to say that I am smart, but that has never been proven, and actually the reverse has been proven; I am weak, academically. All I can say is that I love academic learning and I am very guilty of academic conceit. I thought that Hillsdale would get me above all those I looked down upon in highschool, because they did the stupidest things, but got better grades. Me, I never did anything I was not supposed to - and had a B- average. Now they have the jobs and the honor and the regard and I can't even get a minimum wage job. So in regards to the people at Hillsdale, I try to hard to win their approval. Erick: Sticky, but long due. We were talking about how people influence eachother, and Erick said today that I try and influence him into a certian pattern of behavior. I denied like he was about to drown my kitten - the bastard - but ended up crying on the way to apply for a job and while stuck in a traffic jam to boot. Crying because he is right, and I know exactly what I want out of Erick. And apology for hurting me. Plain and simple. After that, if I truly beleived I had done anything to deserve it I would ask for an attempt at a friendship - but I know that the apology is more important to me. Why, I don't know yet. Maybe that is for my next traffic jam. Regardless, much of my internal stress this year generates from trying to get what I had so desperatly wanted since August - vindication for a summer of waiting & pain. Hillsdale: I don't think any endevor in life will render me a more useless person. Don't get me wrong, I learned alot. But I will tell you, none of your classes will mean a thing when it is time to pay loans. None of them. Don't let professors tell you that their class is inherant to your success as a person. It is the peice of paper that you pay for, and if it didn't come at such a high price then it wouldn't be the object at the end of everyone's journy. As I sit and apply for job after job, with 30 grand in loans comming due in september I start to feel the pressure and wish that I could erase the last two years and start over. I hate Hillsdale for the inherant huberis that it oozes. The credits don't transfer pratically anywhere...their core is the most important thing on earth, and many there worship intellectual thought before God - as if God were a product born from their very pens. My problem? ha. My problem is not that I have ever had low self esteem. What is more probably is because it is way to high. I sat in that godforsaken traffic jam pounding the steeringwheel and yelling "I am worth it to be wanted. I am worth the love letter. I am worth the scholarship. I am worth the love of my family. I am worth caring for. I am worth striving after. I am worth the eternal sacrafice."You know why? I have been given the eternal sacrafice. That is what tells me I am worth it. My God - whom I worship - wants me! Of all the silly people to want, he wants me. That message was burned into my mind with water over 21 years ago. I am worth it. When I react to others - at first - I regard them as the same. "you are worth it" - I can not count the number of times I have said it. You are worth it damn it because you have the grades, and the looks, and the appeal, and you arnt a hyperactive-blonde-crazy-tongueinmouth-footupass girl like me. And if I am worth it YOU most definantly are. Other than that - people do stupid things - and I am prone to telling them that they do stupid things. That doesn't make me the easiest person to be around. But damnit - here is the truth of me. I am proud. I am flawed. I am going to screw up again. I am not a sure bargain. But damnit - I am worth the phone call, the letter, the scholarship, the job, the family...and the life. I am not a good person at all! I have cause alot of turmoil. I have been the indegestion in your pea soup! I am the pink apocalypse....but Christ looked past all I have done *and the list is growing, beleive me* and all I will do, and has said I am worth it. And if I am, you are too, and that is why I do it.
posted by Arella Nova at 5:30 PM
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