Shades_Of_Light_And_Dark

No Regrets = No Relationships

2005-06-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

No Regrets = No Relationships
From: http://www.roverback.jim3.net/ThinkMan/regrets.htm"I used to believe that the best way to live was "to have no regrets.” A seductively attractive sentiment, but it is deeply flawed for being inherently self-serving. I have learned the hard way that having no regrets really means not taking responsibility for my own bad behavior. My pride in my own “goodness” has actually hurt others deeply. Either I believed I hadn’t done anything wrong, or the other person must forgive me! Can there be a more arrogant, conceited philosophy? For the longest time, I did not see how hurtful “No regrets” is in practice. Now, looking back, I see that it has only caused pain for many people I love.I know people who firmly believe in “No regrets”. One person says that all hurts just magically melt away in time, so why apologize? Another believes that your loved ones should love you always, regardless. Shouldn’t they always forgive you, no matter what? Both of these statements confuse love with forgiveness. True love is unconditional; true forgiveness, however, is not. Expecting forgiveness without offering remorse and restitution is, at its core, a belief in a life without personal integrity, fair play, and justice. What's more, to believe that people must forgive you no matter what you do is the height of selfishness and arrogance. It is the narcissistic belief that "I am always right." The only way to combat this tendency toward self-conceit is to admit our mistakes, with humility and remorse, and ask for forgiveness. However, current cultural values actually discourage these practices.I once heard that an unwritten social rule in American society is to “not tell.” That is, to never tell the truth about one’s own problems and failings. In U.S. culture, admitting a mistake is admitting failure, and failure is not an option in our independent, optimistic, go-getter culture. To say “I was wrong” is to somehow say that I am a lazy, insensitive, selfish person. A “good” person is never like this, we think. Yet, we all know that we make mistakes every single day; we want to do the right thing, but we often fail. We just can’t admit it because then we are “bad.” Today, image is everything, and admitting mistakes cracks our self-imposed façade of goodness. To maintain a good public image, a person must deny her true nature and never admit error. In the end, to “not tell” means to deny the truth that we are imperfect, mistake-prone humans. It is to live a lie." Moreover, if we never tell the truth about ourselves, then we will never forgive nor be forgiven. If I am always “good” (in my own eyes), then I don’t have any wrongs to admit. If I am never wrong, then there is nothing to be forgiven. Therefore, I come to believe that “I am never wrong; therefore, I don’t need forgiveness; therefore, I am a good person; therefore, I am never wrong.” This is cyclical thinking at its worst! It also leads, inevitably, to arrogance, denial of reality, broken relationships, and hostility, the very things we say “bad” people engage in. We become the very thing we work so hard to avoid. As well, we deny ourselves the psychic healing and social restoration that forgiveness offers. Is it any wonder that many Americans today report a deep sense of emotional distress and isolation?Therefore, there must be no more denial and image-making. Yes, I do have regrets about my past actions. Yes, I acknowledge the truth about myself to the people I have hurt. Yes, I will make amends. Finally, I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. In the end, I can no longer adhere to the false, illogical, self-serving philosophy of “No regrets.” That path leads only to narcissism, failed relationships, and misery."

-------------------------------------------------My Thoughts To Follow....I am a bit to "thinky" at the moment. I am not so sure I was totally right, today, yet I know sowmthing was right - and I know I want healing in my life with several people...I am just not sure abotu a few things...I am blowing off job hunting and driving to the lake shore today to think this through.---

-----------------------------------------------::Later::The truth about myself. Aye! after this will I ever post again. What should I say, in regards to what...the truth in regards to whom.About my mom: Nothing really comes closer to home. We grow closer and closer and then she says the stupidest things that make me wonder if she really understands me at all. She is queen of the cliche and has more power than anyone I know to get me steamed....but the truth is that I want her to be someone else sometimes. someone to make me comfortable with who I am and not want to strive for better. But the truth is that I fight her because she is right. She knows me. She knows I am not meant ot settle for okay when better is just a little bit of effort around the corner. My mom is the one who taught me to get up with a smile on my face and a song in my head. The truth is that I owe her some great apologies...and they are long past due.With my brothers, and my family, the truth is that I create turmoil sometimes because they downplay everything. We never can have a normal family crisis - and sometimes I just want to let the pressure out. Maybe this isn't the best thing - and in my joy of letting out my frusturation I forget that there are other feelings in this house. The truth in regards to Angie, Kate, Erick, and those who knew me at Hillsdale: I have always felt out of place. I would like to say that I am smart, but that has never been proven, and actually the reverse has been proven; I am weak, academically. All I can say is that I love academic learning and I am very guilty of academic conceit. I thought that Hillsdale would get me above all those I looked down upon in highschool, because they did the stupidest things, but got better grades. Me, I never did anything I was not supposed to - and had a B- average. Now they have the jobs and the honor and the regard and I can't even get a minimum wage job. So in regards to the people at Hillsdale, I try to hard to win their approval. Erick: Sticky, but long due. We were talking about how people influence eachother, and Erick said today that I try and influence him into a certian pattern of behavior. I denied like he was about to drown my kitten - the bastard - but ended up crying on the way to apply for a job and while stuck in a traffic jam to boot. Crying because he is right, and I know exactly what I want out of Erick. And apology for hurting me. Plain and simple. After that, if I truly beleived I had done anything to deserve it I would ask for an attempt at a friendship - but I know that the apology is more important to me. Why, I don't know yet. Maybe that is for my next traffic jam. Regardless, much of my internal stress this year generates from trying to get what I had so desperatly wanted since August - vindication for a summer of waiting & pain. Hillsdale: I don't think any endevor in life will render me a more useless person. Don't get me wrong, I learned alot. But I will tell you, none of your classes will mean a thing when it is time to pay loans. None of them. Don't let professors tell you that their class is inherant to your success as a person. It is the peice of paper that you pay for, and if it didn't come at such a high price then it wouldn't be the object at the end of everyone's journy. As I sit and apply for job after job, with 30 grand in loans comming due in september I start to feel the pressure and wish that I could erase the last two years and start over. I hate Hillsdale for the inherant huberis that it oozes. The credits don't transfer pratically anywhere...their core is the most important thing on earth, and many there worship intellectual thought before God - as if God were a product born from their very pens. My problem? ha. My problem is not that I have ever had low self esteem. What is more probably is because it is way to high. I sat in that godforsaken traffic jam pounding the steeringwheel and yelling "I am worth it to be wanted. I am worth the love letter. I am worth the scholarship. I am worth the love of my family. I am worth caring for. I am worth striving after. I am worth the eternal sacrafice."You know why? I have been given the eternal sacrafice. That is what tells me I am worth it. My God - whom I worship - wants me! Of all the silly people to want, he wants me. That message was burned into my mind with water over 21 years ago. I am worth it. When I react to others - at first - I regard them as the same. "you are worth it" - I can not count the number of times I have said it. You are worth it damn it because you have the grades, and the looks, and the appeal, and you arnt a hyperactive-blonde-crazy-tongueinmouth-footupass girl like me. And if I am worth it YOU most definantly are. Other than that - people do stupid things - and I am prone to telling them that they do stupid things. That doesn't make me the easiest person to be around. But damnit - here is the truth of me. I am proud. I am flawed. I am going to screw up again. I am not a sure bargain. But damnit - I am worth the phone call, the letter, the scholarship, the job, the family...and the life. I am not a good person at all! I have cause alot of turmoil. I have been the indegestion in your pea soup! I am the pink apocalypse....but Christ looked past all I have done *and the list is growing, beleive me* and all I will do, and has said I am worth it. And if I am, you are too, and that is why I do it.

God I love the Brits

2005-04-11T00:39:00.000-05:00

While researching my new TV show I discovered the UK praise review. As an attached link they admitted that some American Phrases were hard to decipher and they decided to translate for the British viewers. I am so amused that I must share this with you all.

http://www.uktvstyle.co.uk/index.cfm/uktvstyle/standardItem.Index/aid/502652.shtml

“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Jargonbuster

The Extreme Makeover: Home Edition phenomenon has hit the UK, and with it, a host of Americanisms which even the 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary can’t decipher. So to maximise your understanding and enjoyment of Home Edition, we’ve compiled a handy reference. Way cool.

1)‘Whut up man’: an informal American greeting, usually accompanied by the joining of knuckles with an acquaintance

2) ‘You guys rock’: this team is most impressive

3) ‘Killer’: adjective used to denote supreme cool; popular during the Nineties but is currently losing favour among America’s youth

4) ‘This house is sick’: commonly misunderstood as meaning the presence of Sick Building Syndrome, the term actually denotes enthusiastic approval of a home

5) ‘Phat’: cool, awesome. Usage: “Dude, that hip-hop mural we painted on your bedroom wall is phat!”

6) ‘Bejillion’: an exaggerated measure used when ‘million’ does not do the vast amount justice

7) ‘I’m totally pumped/psyched/stoked’: I’m really rather pleased

8) ‘Don’t worry about the bling, daddy’s got it covered’: kindly leave the cushion covers and candlesticks to the professionals please

9) ‘Dude and dudette’: slang term implying approval or satisfaction of male and female persons being sharp in dress and demeanour

10) ‘We’re going to knock one out of the park’: baseball term meaning to ‘hit a home run’ which is something rather good

11) ‘Give me some love’: please may I have some respect, compassion or physical gratification?

12) ‘I’m the candyman’: designer possessing enviable accessories, the term now has an unfortunate association with bad horror film of the same name

Achey

2005-04-09T00:57:00.000-05:00

Well, to try this multi-post concept to all of my blogs. Today I considered the concept of the ego, and loving ones self. Until recently it wasn’t something I had ever considered, not trying to sound self righteous but I was always focused on other people.

There is a professor here on campus who is willing to sit and talk these things out with me – never allowing me to settle into one train or rut of thought but challenging me to focus on what my real problem is. No matter what it is, no matter whether it relates or not, he always gets me to focus back to the point of my stress. I am running out of gas.

I hate to admit it but for along time I have been focusing on others because there is something running at the bottom of my own mind. Something deep, spiritual, and troubling. Something steeped in light, but violent in its self-actualization. Something that will change my life. Something in the last 5 days, which distracts me from all aspects of my life.

Every time I leave the consul of friends I am encouraged lately to “take care of myself”, and I am slowly coming to the realization that I might not know how to do this. Oh, I can hold a job alright. I am fairly skilled in the ways of the world. I can pay taxes, drive a car, lock my door at night, and other things. Can I provide for myself the kind of mental and emotional support that I need for my daily life? Can I live alone?

I maintain anything is possible. But when being honest with myself I also have to admit that I was not build to live alone. I was not build to waste away. I have a passion inside, and a joy that has not yet been fulfilled. I saw a picture, a vision if you will, last year of what it could be like. It was something so moving that I had to leave the people I was with for fear of shocking them with the instant tears that the image brought. A year ago in two weeks it will be and I seem to have come farther and farther from the dream. My dream. My one request of God in a simple package.

If we ask will it be given to us? Most of the time I am afraid to ask to loudly. Afraid to let it be known what my heart truly desires. Often when I do that – the devil finds a way to take from me what truly is good.

I am not a victim of life, but rather afraid of it at the moment. Tired and awake, crying out to be let to sleep in peace.

I hope I am doing this right.

2005-04-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

Technorati Profile

mmm - we will see

I Corinthians 13

2005-04-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

Foley Shared this with me today:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowladge and if I have faith that can move mountians, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is paitent, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowladge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect dissapears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

This coupled with:
"Love thy neighbor as one would love thyself"
Comes a simple credo. Simply put before this time in the words of the Creed, and the Lord's Prayer, I had shapes of thoughts that were but my own. Now with clarity I form an image that is the faith of my forfathers reborn inside of me - just a seed of what I pray might be good.

This is the reason why I have been wrong - so very wrong - this past year. This is the reason for the change over Christmas. The healing over Spring Break. The reaching for Truth now. This is the reason behind the future- and this is the reason I came back up to the snack bar tonight. This is me - no need to trust - it just is.

ADDENDUM:
Frodo:
I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam:
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.

Sam:
Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo:
What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam:
[He helps Frodo up and says:]
That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Salve

Crazy

2005-02-26T20:13:00.000-05:00

Listening to Mercy Me: crazy

Link: http://www.livejournal.com/users/detacheddesire/

MEN!

2005-02-17T18:41:00.001-05:00

A moment to rant if you will. I have just spent the last several days talking with men about how women play conversation games. They are overly coy and hit that there is something that the guy doesnt know and he is bad for not being able to read her mind.

Well pardon me, but it aint a girl thing.
Guys do the same thing, whether it be with jokes or references or plainf old innuendo. I raise my hand and admit that after tonight I am one very confused girl. The guys in my life never tell it to me straight. I have to beat out of them what they really mean. Then I feel sooo stupid because the explination usually involved the world DUH - or "as I have told you before" or "as I just told you".....

How long is a girl supposed to put up with that and not get hurt by it? About the same time as a guy I imagine. the world hates blunt people but I revel in them. I know wher eI stand and they tell me when I am being silly and when I am being a good friend. There is an equal amount of posative and negative and the mind games don't exist.

Don't expect me to know your everysecret, much less remember what you told me three seconds ago verbatim. Don't expect me to log away every little thought you have ever imparted to me. Enjoy my company, and seek me out on this earthy journey and I can promise you that it will be ....entertaining. that is what I ask of my friends - along with avoiding general stupidity and be always willing to learn and improve yourself when life or God calls you to do so.

Am I too old for the people here? Am I ready for different things? I know that wherever I go I will beokay. I can meld with whatever is put infront of me...but I don't want to float through this life like a feather. If I must float is there another feather out there who will catch my breeze and float with me.

So it isnt just women who play these silly games. Men and best friends play them as well, and often they do it so well that they can't even tell.

Hyper

2005-02-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

I am seriously hyper today - and this is quite possably due to the excess of Valentines day candy. It amuses me so much to realize that this day came and passed with little thought. So much has happened and finally for the first time in my life I am beginnign to like who I am. *acknowladges that this might also be an effect of sugar* - but then again it is more than that. A deeper, more spiritual, content.

I for one word for that man.

Woot.

Dancing In And Out Of The Fire

2005-02-12T14:14:00.000-05:00

What a glorious day. I was running with my basketball team outside today and literally laughing with joy. It has been so long since I have laughed that freely. Even though my movements are still jaunty I can run - and I forget to be grateful for that fact. It was only a year ago that I was looking at never being able to run again.

Here is the song I am playing right now:

"Standing Outside The Fire"

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Returned

2005-02-09T01:25:00.000-05:00

I don't suppose I know how well I can manage with two online journals, but I was reading Foley's today and was impressed with how open she can be on her site. I can't be as open as I would like on live journal -

but I know exactly why. My site is still linked to Erick's. I can't take it down because of mutual friends, but there hasn't been a free flowing post on there form me in a long time. I find myself composing things in poetry and in obscure prosidy to veil from Erick and Angie what I really mean.

Nothing much amazing has happened to me so far this semester. I stay to myself. I walk alone. It is quiet and peaceful. It is like the world is going all around me and I am moving underwater - like in still motion. It is a walk through the park when others are running. Everyone else has somewhere to be. Someplace to graduate from. Some career to go to. I don't.

This could so easily turn to dispair and I acknowladge that it is only God keeping me afloat. I have no ego - yet no thoughts of self hate. I am simply neutral.

I still mourn for the loss of love, but I can see now that my life rings a differen chord. It is time to grow up and we can not do it in hillsdale. the sooner we leave the sooner we can start be'ing. When I was a child I spoke as a child....

But not anymore. It is time for me to tesser. This planet here in this small little town is not for me. There will be regrets - and more loss, but after loosing Erick - and then/at the same time - God - not much else matters much.

I hope that I will have the chance someday in the future to tell someone of the beautiful people I have met here - and how I hope they will all shine bright as they can once they move out into the world.

It has been a long time

2004-11-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

I regret not posting, but many of my posts would not have been very nice. I am soo stressed now, and there are so many people that want a peice of my hide at the moment. I am going to have to start creating new days....like kethursday....and mufenday....just so I can have a moment to just breathe...
The people here are great, and they want me to finish this, and I think I know what I want to do when I get out of here...maybe. But more so than I have ever before- when I ge the full Idea formed I will post it.

I am here in Foley's room - Fovely foley - loitering around pandering for a back massage. I simply must get rid of this knot - its been there since Sunday night...

I talked to Erick for two hours the other night. Chris was talking with me about the closure concept this weekend, and I am glad I followed his advice, although not to the letter. I have the greatest brothers sometimes. They are fun after they stop beating eachother up.

I have been thinking about the days when I will finally live alone. In some ways I am looking forward to them now. I will doscover as much about myself then as I have here. Maybe even more.

And I was reminded today of a comment I made to Dr. Davies. I said I did not want to owe anyone anything in life. He mentioned that that might not be a good opertaing principle, and I thougth about it. Today I heard from a friend in Denver who I thought forgot me and I am reminded that friends are never forgotten or lost - they live on in memory. And as for oweing people. It would be a very lonely soul if I didn't owe my friends anything at all - would I really even have any then?

I just hope that I am appreciated. I am the type to go above and beyond - sometimes to my own detriment. I pray that God might give me wisdom to take care of myself as well as the others in my life. Others are blessings - but life itself is a blessing as well.

If wishes were horses.....

2004-10-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

I wish!
Whistfully I read Kate's journal today and I remembered times past of perfect silence. Most are outside, looking at the stars. Alone, or not alone, it really didn't matter. And now life is so cluttered. I know a bit more each day about where I belong and where my choices are leading me, but I wish I was there. Where I am supposed to be. Wherever that is.

I am still the Searching Heart, I always will be. I debated angie on that question and lost big time. Never debate a kitten who knows she is right. Even then it wasnt really debate, it was me sitting on my bed and proclaiming stupid shite and hugging my stuffed Stitch.

I wonder if it is possible to register in the five minutes between classes?

Ancient worlds? It is the paper that will not be written properly. This prof has got me so self concious about my sentence structure that I have rewritten the whole damn thing over once or twice. At least twice. I hope I can fix it more in the van tongiht.

Going to GR. *sigh*

Emotions

2004-10-21T21:42:00.000-05:00

A question? Are human better with less or no emotions at all?

A Cold Day In July (October)

2004-10-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

It is so almighty cold today. I did not dare venture out, and I might give the speech tonight a pass. It will be more profitable to stay in and work on Management.
I got an A on my last exam, and I want to see if I can go for two. It is so encouraging to work from the top baby!
I want to reference my last few posts. They have been about a specific someone. I am now living in the present, which in the end is all we can do. So many friendships have gone this way as well lately. As Chris said earlier, you can count on people to dissapoint you. You can probably count on it so much that you can set your watch to it.
They key, my friends, is willingness to work, trust, and forgive. These are three cornerstones that a relationship must have. I drop all other qualifications - aside from spiritual/religious - and recognise that without these three, there is nearly no chance for success.

Would I be so blessed to have a second chance at love, I would remember these things above all else, and God above even that.

Thinking Way Too Much For Two Exams

2004-10-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

I love how when you have the most to do that is when the mind is the hardest to chain down. After two weeks of not thinking about Erick and accepting things as they are I begin to ponder again, and truly miss him. I miss him like no other, and I lost more than a boy-friend, I lost my best friend. For me, that person died in my life, and the symptoms are much like mourning. Only worse. Like that horror story where one lover dies and the other left on earth sees the ghost of the one dead randomly at instances in everyday life. Yet, my ghost is a living, breathing, laughing, talking, livly man. Alive and well, and none the worse for having decided to love me - then not.

I shouldn't say that, I still to this day do not knwo what happened. I probably never will. At times in my life it will probably bug the hell out of me and make me cry all over again in frusturation.

There are many times where I have thought that the world was falling out from under my feet. Like when I became Anemic. When all summer I thought every day - well this is they day my parents finally get fed up with my boy friend or the person they think I have turned into and all my dreams go down the crapper wiht my college career. I thought it was bad trying to on one hand prove to ones family - the people who should know you the best - that I am still Rachel. And at the same time, not wanting to show them anything - but let them get to know me naturally all over again. I thought frusturation was bad. I wanted to tear my hair and scream - "I am still Rachel!!!!!! - what kind of drugs are you on?"

But that was nothing compared to the rejection felt when one breaks up with someone you truly love. I truly loved E - with my whole heart. No one can tell me different. It wasnt a bad love either. When we were together it was a shared love even. No one can tell me what I should have done or what I should have not done. Dating E was the first thing I did totally on my own without relying on the advice of others to make my decisions for me. I think I did pretty damn well - and I am at least proud of one thing. I loved truly, an yes, without finess or the maturity ov one who understands love, but I never lied to him. I never was unfaithful when we made the mutual decision to be exclusive to eachother. (even when people told me it was okay to window shop) I know I have the will, desire, and stamina - and yes, now maturity - for the type of lasting relationship. And God is on my side.

Even then things dont work - HEll if I understand it all - but I am still avoiding Econ. I know I loved. I know I lost. I dont know why I did, but it may be the first question I ask God when I leave this earth. And E will be one of the first people I look for. The pain of this earth will not exist in heaven. We will be healed.

Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me

It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus: Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes When I couldn't see
For parting my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Chorus: Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes When I couldn't see
For parting my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me
So Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus: Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes When I couldn't see
You parted my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

And now I really am crying.......cause he sent me that song, along with others.

Running

2004-09-27T21:31:00.000-05:00

It has become sort of a spiritual ritual for me. I go to the sports complex, to the very spot where I injured my knee, kneel down and pray, stretch out, and run...........

With each trip I can feel some wounds inside of me that I did not even know were there - healing. I can cry or smile as I please, cause no one is there at 9PM. I can, in this place, enjoy being on my own, knowing there is a whole campus of people to see, and a load of work to do when I get back. I ordered my life when I hit rock bottom.

Some scars from this past month will never heal, but I would rather have them than never have lived, or loved at all. Some kids here have never gone out on a limb, had a job, loved another person, put themselves on the line, and been corrected and beaten down by life. They will have quite a rude awakening.

So I run. I move clumsily. The first few steps are very unsure. The knee is still not stable. Sometimes as I pass the hoop I remember how I jumped up, and what I did to mess up my leg. I can feel the crunch in my memory and it still makes me cringe visably.

But listening to what Erick called my "angry white chick music" and running releases all of the feelings of hurt and tired beaten down crappyness. I understand when people say they like to run. It IS like a drug.

Here are some good quotes.

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting."
William A. Ward

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.
Anonymous

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
Anonymous

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.
Anonymous

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
Psalms

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.
Winston Churchill

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.
Marcus Aurelius

Salve!

Relationships

2004-09-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

They are funny arn't they. Your family is not perfect. Your friends are far from perfect. The rest of the world is incedentally crap - so who do you trust.

Me thinks God is a good candidate for that role. As for the rest? I find I am one who can not live without people. Family will still be there, always. Good friends will keep track of you, and likewise. You find kindered spirits in the funniest places. I sought something more permanent recently. I sought to find a binding of friendships, or relationships (yes, we be talking men here) that I could trust. Even thought I have not had the most extensive expirence with these, I find myself seeing the problems before they happen with this logic. People are infallable, and not perfect.

Thus I find my mind always trailing back to the subject of forgiveness. What is it? How is it given with people? I find that forgiveness with my family to be VERY different that the rest of the world. People withhold forgiveness because they want the other to suffer. If you do that is not true forgiveness. If you try and teach someone a lesson by withholding forgiveness you are not truly forgiving them for anything - you are mearly asserting your superiority over them.

Ah well - Me thinks now that thoughts must wander back to accrual based accounting. Where is me tea?

A Distinct Difference

2004-09-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

There is a distincy difference between loving your family and using your family. There is also the consideration of knowing your role in life. My role is student and daughter untill which time that those roles will change ot become secondary to a greater role. My (unnamed) friend maintains that my family controls me. I disagree. Controle denotes manipulation. We all do it to a certian degree. we form our enviroments to best suit our needs. My family allows me to live wiht them, and cosigns for my loans - which is far more than her family is willing to do for her. In exchange I respect them. I do not tell my parents to (excuse the boldness) "Fuck off" as I have heard so many others do. They may have the financial ability at the learned age of 20 to do that. They may even have the disinterest to say that to a family member. As fo me the thought has never crossed my mind. I have been mad. Frusturated. Irate to the point of having to take a rather long walk, I have argued, and tried to make my point clear in as respectful of a manner that my meager 20 years allow.

I have never considered doing anything that would hurt them - break their trust. I do most definantly plan to move away, most likly out of Michigan, but they know that. Sometimes they may not relaize that their lectures fall on the ears of the choir. That I defend my position weekly to those here who would see me as a simpering and obediant daddy's girl. That when they remind me of who I am I know because I wake up defending it and go to sleep exhausted from it. I know who I am because I know and love where I came from. I am not so easily turned from things that I value - so yes, it hurts when they caution me. Don't you think I have seen the filth of life? Don't you think I have fought some battles of my own?

I know I would not be here without their support. I know that they support my dreams, and as mad as they can make me, we work together. That is what functional families do. We are not perfect, but atleast I do not hang up the phone and say - boy do I hate those people.

I care for my family. I had looked forward to seeing them at my Grandparents because I am weary of Hillsdale, and wish to be among people who love me. I have gone through a tough breakup and I beleive it would do me good. First rule of economics - self interest runs the market. But I have a higher duty to self interest - those two roles I mentioned above, of daughter and student.

A degree from this school is my ticket to a selfsufficant life where I can build a future that can be fufilled with sharing it with someone, someday. I lookforward to the hard work of life. I lookforward to the teamwork of marriage. I have an excellent example. This summer has taught me that things worth having are worth waiting for. Chasing the kitty will not be as cool as the kitty comming to you. I know what I want to do - I know who I want to be, and I can have the paitence for a few more years to get it.

The Kitty Chased Me!

2004-09-16T22:37:00.000-05:00

I took a walk with Jackie tonight into town. It was fun, we talked about guys and relationships, and religious differences. Jackie, Erin, Foley, and I all seem to share the common interest in a certian way with marriage and family. We walked all the way to the Courthouse and back, and I enjoyed myself alot. I love being active with people, even if it is a walk.

By the time we reached the old Alpha Xi house we were stopped by a very social and very beautiful cat. Jackie had a phone call to catch and I stayed behind for a moment while she went on to the dorm (about 1/2 block away). I introduced myself to the cat and he rubbed agianst my legs in a very friendly manner. I scratched behind his ears and then sorrowfully explained to him that I had accounting homework that needed ot be finished. He looked into my eyes and mewed pitifully and I almost teared up, but resolutly left the grass and continued on the sidewalk to the dorm.

How is this for firsts- - - for once, the cat followed me. I was struck at an emotional moment and realised that this cat was showing me something very important about my life. He followed me all the way to the steps of my dorm and loyally saw me to the door like a proper gentelman. I knelt down and thanked him for showing me in such a simple manner a few truths about people, and how I interact with them.

He blinked and even though I know animals do not have human intelligence, I will credit them with a sort of biological empathy. He licked my hand and then left for home.

I went in and let Accounting sit for a moment. I sat in my room and thought about how blessed I am. And it isnt only the good chi in my room - although I am blessed to have a great looking room for the first time in college :)

Then I decided to read a chapter or two in a nonacademic book I got from the library. It is good to take a moment for onesself. I sat and enjoyed the cool breeze comming in the window, just as if it was my window at home. I let myself comfort monger my way through a cup of Chai Tea and then sat down to the Accounting in decidedly better spirits.

I beleive every problem in the universe can momentarily be solved by a good throw pillow. And maybe some chocolate - but as of yet have not acquired a guy to provide such perks of womanhood. Ah well. Such is life!

Economic Pain

2004-09-15T10:59:00.000-05:00

"All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen Pearls."
Tears of Pearls
by Savage Garden.

I sincerly felt Dr. Pongracic's pain as he repeately smacked his head against the chalkboard today. I thought about offering my assistance in this situation by answering the question. It was not Demand that he was talking about but Quantity Demand. An entierly different thing. Yet no one seemed to be able to compredend this, which explained his repeated abuse of the chalkboard by his head. I could have saved his pain - but instead I picked up an article in the Wallstreet Journal (I am not that arrogant or smart - just interested in the article on teen drinking) and waited for somone else besides me to answer the question.

The boy infornt of me gave another valiant attempt. "Dr. Pongracic - doesn't demand go up?"

Another abuse of the chalkboard.

He then informed the student that he had better hit his book after class, and to make sure that the book did not hit back.

I returned to my room, havn't checked mail yet. Angie keeps reminding me that if I do not pick up my Wallstreet Journals fromt he front desk everyday she is going to claim them. I have not gone through the ones I have yet - as it is a CCA week and anything that doesn't absolutly have to be done gets put under the bed.

It is true - attempting to translate this paper does make one feel a bit like one is living nextdoor to Fraiser Crane.

Hillsdale CCA II

2004-09-14T01:26:00.000-05:00

So far two great speakers and one boring speaker. All of them with good points. I always anticipate question time. It is funny to see my fellow classmates so nervous, addressing very important people. There is one guy who manages to get called on each time. He IS rather dorkish, and none of the questions have been posed as a challenge to the assumed. Sometimes I want to take up the liberal position just so there will be debate, but I don't trust people not to throw Saga fruit at me or something.

Gay Marriage: I was thinking today about how much courage it takes to make a stand. One of the most corageous people I have known of concerning this issue was a gay person. He was the son of a pastor who found that he was sexually attracted to men. It was devistating for his family, and he reflected on who he was and decided to become a bachelor for life, rather to act on his impulses and inclinations. I beleive that takes more courage than all of those protestors out there who would want to force me to accept them and whatever they choose to do. It doesnt take courage to do whatever you WANT to do, rather it takes courage to do what is right.

Hillsdale CCA - Part 1

2004-09-13T17:36:00.000-05:00

The first two speakers impressed me. Both were well versed in their arguments. I am still waiting for the token liberal. I think they throw one in each time for the students to cut their teeth on.

As far as my opinion goes, I find it challenged out of the dormancy it was abiding in. It was sitting, waiting to be poked. This makes me not much different than the others who view the social state of our nation as declining but wont propose a solution. Soon it will be the time for my generation to take their hands at the steeringwheel, and I wonder if I will still ponder at the state of affairs and its further decline - or will I - or others at the CCA - come up with a plan? A purpose - a stance?

Sometime I beleive we can't anymore. I am only 20 and have already been called a racist, homophobe, and bigot in my life. I wonder if my children will be as opressed for their beleifs as black people were for race in the 1950's. It is a possibility.

To understand what I fear, please, take time to read Love Conqures All by Fred Saberhagen. It will show you the future that people like me fear. A future that I hope I would be corageous enough to lay my life down to prevent.

Monday Morning

2004-09-13T08:54:00.000-05:00

"and it's a sweeeet....mystery. " -Guardian
Warning. I will post what I think. Now that that is out of the way I have an accounting quiz that I am avoiding - and it is getting dangerously late. I'll update later.